Clark Coproperari, head of New York City sanitation, held a press conference last Thor's day stating that a city-wide decree has been mandated from the city's panel of wizened elders to replace every single sewer grate that exhales up from the depths and into the faces of our humble pedestrians daily. The sanititan referenced a calculation from the department of statisticians and probability that determined within the realm of acceptable error and propriety that an average of 3000 cellphones are lost to the depths of septic abysmea every month. Dr. Coproperari's eyes fogged over while calling forth a simpler era when portable cellular transponders were of Zack Morris proportions, never in danger of slipping through the cracks of urban life. Stirred back to the present by a passing vulgarity launched by a transient gizmonger, Dr. Coproperari mustered his new energies of fluster to introduce Sven Hamburger our majestic city's prominent urban bio-ecologist, who, with great efficiency, explained his scientific discoveries.
Apparently scientific evidence abounds with indications that the
sewer alligators are being poisoned from the heavy metals that
constitute the phone batteries. Sven illustrated that this is of
mounting concern because the alligators have been showing signs of
evolving into a new subspecies over the past generations that are
more suited for sewer life and these poisonings could ruin cloaca
lacerta's chances of ever coming to fruition.
The mayor then
brusquely took the podium to say, “People happy/alligators live =
win/win.” He was then carried off on the shoulders of the populace
to the sound of a roaring applause. His senior information adviser
assumed control of the micromaphones to assure the remaining crowd
that the gratehole's new size will be designed to keep the new iphone 5 and
its slimmer dimensions from falling in, with provisions made for the
possibility of future interpersonal digicomm's dwindling dimensions.
The
procession of public speakers ended with the theatrical entrance of
the proclaimed leader of the subterranean dwellers to protest the just aforementioned project. The man, who introduced himself as The
Hoborg, vehemently informed us surfacers that they have become
technologically savvy over the years and have been able to fix the
majority of the “lost” phones with bags of rice. With all these
gadgets they have created a communications network called “The
Undernet”. It has vastly improved their chances of survival by
keeping each other updated on the C.H.U.D. migration patterns. The
press conference came to an abrupt end when The Hoborg was
respectfully manhandled away from the speaking pedestal. No word
from the ministry of physics and engineering if this grate change
will affect water-flow.
Related Articles: Scientists Create A“Cell Phone”.
