Philm Review: Southland tales

Phil M. Bufferton – I like movies more than CelluLloyd





Like watching an obese man stuffed full like a pate goose with Mexican party favors, yellowcake uranium glo-stick liquid and Chinese fireworks explode at EuroDisney


The absurditee of this film hit me particularly hard first off because I hunkered down and watched this on April 26th, 2009 year of our Lord, and the movie begins with Texas getting nuked in the near future of 2008. I smirked to myself with great irony as I continued to peruse this mildly interesting alternate near future past subjunctive perfect.


This attack causes America to go completely insane and attack all of the best oil producing countries. They also state that the United States instates a state of pseudo-marshall law, requiring citizens to need a passporte to go from state to state. In our blind rage we Americans make enemies of all the oil providers, resulting in an oil, and therefore petroleum, and therefore gasoline, shortage. Alternative fuels become a sought after novelty and commodity. The most prominent and exciting one is called “liquid karma”. Awesome.



Well enough of this preamble. This movie caught a lot of flaque for being “absolutely fucking terrible. I’d rather stare at my microwave turned off and empty” quoth the Siskel. My hypothesis is, however, that this movie was trying to be the worst shit ever on purpose. Very Avante Garde, and once you realize this the movie is quite the agreeable experience due to its zaniness. Every person ever is in this movie, including a very many famous peoples known for their comedic prowess. For example: the three scientists who invent liquid karma are, no lie, the “incontheevable” guy from princess bride, the creepy old psychic from poultergeist, and Booger from Revenge of the nerds 1-23. That in itself is a joke, an awesome, awesome joke of awesome proportions. My only qualm comes in around hour 3 or 4 at which point I literally didn’t know where I was anymore. I felt like I was living in Southland, just waiting to get murderdeathkilled. Luckily I was just in my room watching a movie, thank you for your concern. This disorientation kinda put a moist towellette on the climactic(?) ending, in which everything weird decides to start making less sense in an effort to let the audience (me) know that the movie was coming to a close and reality will be reinstalled momentarily.



After the movie was over, I went to the bathroom and peed liquid karma. Was the movie real or just another spontaneous fever dream? I’ll let you decide in the comment box.

Jason and the Armgonauts

The precocious tale of Jason Sphygmo, the inventor of the blood pressure cuff






Our story takes place in the 1880s, a very perilous time for the health of most humans. One of these humans in danger of failing health happened to be Jason Sphygmo’s father, Johannes. Johannes Sphygmo was a bread winner by trade and a marksman by folly. He died spontaneously during his afternoon coffee, right in front of Jason on a Wednesday. This caused a deep impression in the silly putty of his mind, for Jason was nary 20 years old.



Heaven Knocks On His Cranium

Jason Sphygmo had the honorable profession of plumber, which at this juncture in history was a very precarious one due to the high lead content in the tubery of the time. It was on a bitter November morning that fate decided to play trickery on Jason Sphygmo. He was diligently at work in the basement of some government official’s house when a sudden surge of high pressure when through the piping, causing them to burst and knocking our poor hero unconscious. When he awoke with his head in the lap of one of the softer nursemaids of the manor and a handkerchief drenched in ether draped around his face, he was astruck with an epiphany. The vessels of the body, much like the tubery of a guildhouse, are subject to varying pressures and any type of flux or wane in these pressures can cause the bodily humors to become disbalanced. (Editor’s note: amazingly enough, this idea had uncanny accuracy in terms of the cause of his father’s death. Retrograde autopsy performed in 2004 has revealed that Johannes Sphygmo died as a result of an aneurysm in his brain, a ballooning outpouch in the blood vessel due to high pressure!) It was this hypothesis that was the catalyst of events that eventually lead to the creation of the world’s first blood pressure cuff.




The Beginning of a Legend

Three months later, after exhausting study and work in his home-made laboratory, Jason Sphygmo emerged from his labors with a 123 pound contraption he dubbed “The Sphygmomanometer”. This apparatus uses mercury and steam to gauge the internal pressures exerted on the vessels of the human body. In order to get a reading all one would have to do was enter the chamber and sit perfectly still as pressures 3 times that of the atmosphere was impressed upon his frame. A ticker tape 2 feet long would emerge from a slit in the back and once all the numbers were put into the formula and calculated out with an abacus, the subject’s blood pressure can be ascertained. The entire process only took one hour and fifteen minutes. Women were contraindicated from using the machine due to the bouts of hysteria, fainting spells, and vapors that women were susceptible to in that era.



The Rest Of the story

Jason Sphygmo lived to be the ripe old age of 42 and died of a disturbing combination of lead and mercury poisoning surrounded by the riches that his invention had brought him from the world over. Interestingly enough, on his deathbed, Jason Sphygmo had perfectly normal blood pressure.



Further Informatics

Future models had various improvements in size, efficiency, and comfort, but the original machine has a sense of majesty and honor that one must see in person to understand. The original model is on display in the Museum of Medical Conservatory Histographies in Belgrade, Iowa.

Well Isn't This Apparatus Something Nifty?

I heard on the old squawk bawx a lot of hubbub about this here blogging snafu. So I says to Mabel, I says, why don't I just jump on the bandwagon and get me one of them snazzy blogoscripture elaboration devices? Mum was the word with her, as it always is. Ol' Mabel's not allowed to speak as long as I'm still in my nightgown, nightcap, and slippers. After I put on my pantaloons, vest, bifocals and leather flightcap, and strap on my steam-powered pocketwatch, Mabel says to me, You're always up to some shenanigans, and if I start paying you any mind now, I might as well make my reservations for the looney bin. I slapped her erotically across the buttocks, causing her buxom busts to jiggle, and I promptly left her to her C++ computer language correspondence course.

I hopped on my horseless carriage and headed straight for the alchemist for I need a good tincture of laudenum to brace my effluvium for the intense radioactivity of technology that I was going to subject myself to. I was mezmerized by Horation Zanzibar's lithe hands as he deflty combined mortal and pestle to create my custom-made concoction. I paid him handsomely with some gold gears and springs that I have acquired from dismantling various antique doodads around my manor. With the murky flask safely in my pocket, ready for any sort of overwhelming reality, I headed to CompUSA. When I arrived to the parking lot, alas, CompUSA is apparently caught in the economic turnstyle without a magnetic strip or exact change. So then I went to Officedepot and demanded to speak to the president of the company. Apparently this store is some sort of outpost, because the president resides many many miles off in some cardinal direction unbeknownst to the employees. After Much haggling and gerrymandering these turncoats hornswaggled me out of 300 dollars American and I humbly made my leave. So after powering this contraption up using my tesla coil, I find myself here, at my virtual internet address bidding you a fair welcome. While you are here, feel free to help yourself to some electrobiscuits or photoncakes.

I hope you enjoy your stay,

Dr. Heironymous Badcock

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